Luke's Birth

Today is our little man's first birthday. I can't believe it has been one year already. I know moms say things like that all the time, but really. ONE YEAR. What happened to my baby? Looking back over the past year I just feel so lucky to have this little guy in our family. He makes us smile every single day and I can never get enough hugs and snuggles.

Pregnancy wasn't really that fun, and labor was definitely not my favorite. But looking back now, I would do it all again (and I guess I probably will) in a heartbeat. My first labor and delivery wasn't exactly as I hoped it would be, but really, does a baby ever come exactly the way one hopes? All that really mattered in the end is that he made it here safely.

My due date was December 2,  so as it came inching closer I was sure getting antsy. I really wanted to deliver Luke naturally. I had read about my different options, and taken some classes and I just felt like I wanted to be in control. I didn't want to have to worry about having a bad reaction to the epidural or not being able to feel anything, so we had been prepping to manage the pain drug free.

Unfortunately, I tested positive (as about 50% of women do) for Group B Strep, so my doctor kept reminding me that if my water broke I needed to hurry in to the hospital to get on antibiotics right away. Well, my water did break at home, and we hurried in, but I wasn't really having contractions. Since there is a small window of time once your water breaks that they baby needs to be delivered in, they had to start me on pitocin to get things going. I was ok with that since it was what needed to happen, but I still wanted to go epidural free.

We went in about 6 p.m. on Saturday, Nov 30, slept the night in the hospital which was not at all restful and then they started the pitocin around 7 a.m. the next morning when I still wasn't having major contractions.  At first I was thinking, "oh this isn't too bad, I can totally do this." Pretty soon that turned into, "this really, really hurts, but I can totally do this". And then it became, "OH MY GOODNESS THIS HURTS SO BAD!!! but...I can totally do this...right?" A big problem was that I wasn't able to really walk around at all. Since I had to be hooked up to an IV for both antibiotics and pitocin, not mention all the monitors they strap on you, they wouldn't let me leave the bed except to pee. I had hope to be able to ease some of the contraction pain by walking, stretching, bouncing on the exercise ball, and anything else I could think of, but the nurses really wouldn't let me.

About 9 hours later and dilated to an 8 I decided to get the epidural. I was so exhausted, not having slept for like 36 hours and enduring the awful pitocin induced contractions (I am convinced that they are worse with pitocin than not, although I guess I don't know for sure) all day, I just couldn't do it anymore. The epidural definitely made me feel better, but then, although the nurse assured me that I would still be able to feel it when it was time to push, I really couldn't feel it. I felt some pressure after a while and decided that must be it, which I guess it was, but then after pushing for what seemed like an hour we had made no progress. I just couldn't feel it (am I the only one who had this experience?)!

And, now after being awake for 36 hours, enduring pitocin contractions all day, and pushing for an hour, I was beyond exhausted. The doctor could tell, so she decided to suction Luke out, which totally freaked me out, but I just wanted him to come out already so I agreed. A great big push and one little suck later and there he was! He immediately started peeing, which made us all laugh, and then started crying. Phil cut the umbilical cord and they put him right in my lap. He was so perfect and the long day and painful contractions and disappointment all just disappeared.

It really was love at first sight.

Happy first birthday little one. We love you. 

I Think These "Mommy Wars" Are All in Our Heads

I don't think a week goes by that I don't see some article or blog post talking about the so-called "mommy wars". Mommy bloggers everywhere keep writing, saying things like, "let's all just stop judging each other for our choices as mothers."  I agree with the sentiment, but now that I've been a mom for almost a year (longer if you count pregnancy) I'm starting to wonder if all this "judging" people are talking about even exists.

Recently I read an article, "5 Mom-Shaming Trends That Need to Stop Now" that a friend linked to on Facebook. The author begins her post saying, "I am beyond exhausted listening to all of the mom-shaming going on these days" and then proceeds to talk about the apparent mom-shaming she has seen or experienced when it comes to breastfeeding, organic snacks, Pinterest parties, mom jeans, and working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. On the surface this article seems great. You read it and think, "That's right! All those moms need to stop shaming each other!"

Here's the thing, though. I have never, not even once, been the victim or any kind of "mom-shaming". In fact, I have had nothing but good experiences with other people and my little one. I have breastfed in public, I have formula fed in public, I have flown with the little one on airplanes, taken him to nice restaurants, fed him unhealthy snacks, worn less than flattering outfits in public, made things (and failed making things) from Pinterest ideas, and worked outside of the home after he was born.  I have done all these things that supposedly moms are shaming each other for and no one has even batted an eyelash. 

I also don't have a single friend that has told me of any shaming they have experienced, and almost all of my friends have kids.  Doesn't that seem strange to you?

After thinking this over a bit, I started to reflect that while I have never actually experienced shaming, I have worried about experiencing shaming. When I prepared to go out in public and knew I would have to breastfeed, I wondered if anyone might comment on me feeding him like that in public. Then, when I knew I would have to give him formula in a bottle, I worried that someone might comment that I should still be breastfeeding and not formula feeding. When I flew with him to visit my family I worried that his noise would disturb others and cause them to glare at or shush me. When I pack up the crackers and goldfish I wonder if others will think badly of me that I didn't pack fruit and veggies instead. When I hurry out to do my errands, not showered, hair in ponytail and no makeup, I worry about the impression I might give to those I see. When I decided to go back to work for a short time, I wondered if my friends my judge me for leaving Luke when he was still so small. 

In fact, sometimes I worried about those things so much, that I created a whole scenario in my mind of what might happen and how I would respond. But, not to my surprise, I never needed my thought-out responses because no one has ever said anything about the choices I have made as a mother. 

To be fair, I know that people can be unkind, so this isn't to say that no mother has ever experienced judgement from another. But is it really as prevalent as we claim? Or are we just so worried about what others might think that we are trying to beat them to the punch by writing non-stop about not shaming? Or maybe, and I think even more likely, is it that we tend to be a little oversensitive, especially when it comes to our children and our parenting, and we take offense when there has been none? So what if your friend posts and article about breastfeeding and you formula fed from the start? So what if you are a stay-at-home mom and your neighbor works full-time? Their different choices doesn't mean they are judging you for yours. 

Of course we all want to be good moms! Of course we want the approval of others! We can't help but to hope that we do what is best for our children, and it can be painful when we fall short. Maybe we feel guilty because we haven't been able to do everything as a mother that we hoped we could. And maybe that guilt is causing us all to think that someone else is judging us, when really the only person judging you, is you. 

So, moms. Be honest. Is there a chance that you are actually being too hard on yourself? Stop worrying so much about the so-called shaming and judging of others, because chances are, no one is shaming you at all. Give others the benefit of the doubt, most people really are kind, and really do mean well. Maybe when they look at you across the park, or restaurant, or airport, they aren't judging you, but admiring you for being a mom and doing the very best you can.

Recommended Reading: Postive Discipline: The First Three Years

I stumbled upon this book, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, at the library a few months ago. My little one wasn't really having any discipline problems since he was only about 7 or 8 months old at the time, but I read a few pages and liked what I saw so I added it to my pile. After reading a bit more when I got home I soon couldn't put the book down and was giving my husband a summary of my reading every night before we went to bed. I don't know how many people I have already recommended this book to (probably more often unsolicited than not), but I just loved the information so much that I have wanted to share it with everyone.

This particular copy is just one of a whole series by the same author(s). You can read more about it on her website here. I plan to read more of her books as the little one grows and probably will re-read them again as we have more children, but The First Three Years was a great way to start. The book first spends several chapters discussing what discipline really is, how it is different from punishment, and how it should be used.  Then, it goes on to give the reader a much deeper understanding of behavior in infants and toddlers (in other words, why the do what they do). The authors do an excellent job explaining that what is often mistaken as misbehavior is almost always normal, age-appropriate behavior, especially when it comes to toddlers and infants. They talk about why time-out and using the word "no" don't have the effect adults expect them to, and why your child repeatedly does the same thing over and over and over, even though you have told them countless times not to.

Throughout the book we are reminded to use "kindness but firmness" and to especially utilize "redirection" when disciplining children. It also emphasizes the need children, especially toddlers, have to be in control and do things on their own, and gives lots of examples of how a parent can give their children choices that allow them to explore their own autonomy while at the same time establishing boundaries and guidelines that will teach the children to act appropriately at home and in society.

I think sometimes, parents have the idea that they should "just know" how to be a parent and they learn by trial and error, hoping for the best. Maybe they feel its a sign of weakness to ask for help or advice, but a point that this book makes is that for any other profession there is always schooling and training involved until the person can understand and complete their tasks. Why don't we do the same for parenting? There is nothing wrong with reading books, taking classes or asking for help and advice (as long as we use our own good judgment and don't try to implement everything everyone teaches us whether or not we agree with it).

I can't say enough good about this book. I would whole-heartedly recommend it to any parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, babysitter, or even just anyone wanting to better understand children. Not only will it change your perspective when it comes to your own children, but also when you see other peoples' children, especially the tantrum-throwing ones at the grocery store (tantrums, by the way are not a sign of misbehavior, but normal, age-appropriate behavior, and this book gives great ideas on how to handle them).

I found this copy at my local library, but you can buy it online or probably at most book stores. It is a fairly quick read but still full of great information. I hope you'll check it out!