I don't think a week goes by that I don't see some article or blog post talking about the so-called "mommy wars". Mommy bloggers everywhere keep writing, saying things like, "let's all just stop judging each other for our choices as mothers." I agree with the sentiment, but now that I've been a mom for almost a year (longer if you count pregnancy) I'm starting to wonder if all this "judging" people are talking about even exists.
Recently I read an article, "5 Mom-Shaming Trends That Need to Stop Now" that a friend linked to on Facebook. The author begins her post saying, "I am beyond exhausted listening to all of the mom-shaming going on these days" and then proceeds to talk about the apparent mom-shaming she has seen or experienced when it comes to breastfeeding, organic snacks, Pinterest parties, mom jeans, and working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. On the surface this article seems great. You read it and think, "That's right! All those moms need to stop shaming each other!"
Here's the thing, though. I have never, not even once, been the victim or any kind of "mom-shaming". In fact, I have had nothing but good experiences with other people and my little one. I have breastfed in public, I have formula fed in public, I have flown with the little one on airplanes, taken him to nice restaurants, fed him unhealthy snacks, worn less than flattering outfits in public, made things (and failed making things) from Pinterest ideas, and worked outside of the home after he was born. I have done all these things that supposedly moms are shaming each other for and no one has even batted an eyelash.
I also don't have a single friend that has told me of any shaming they have experienced, and almost all of my friends have kids. Doesn't that seem strange to you?
After thinking this over a bit, I started to reflect that while I have never actually experienced shaming, I have worried about experiencing shaming. When I prepared to go out in public and knew I would have to breastfeed, I wondered if anyone might comment on me feeding him like that in public. Then, when I knew I would have to give him formula in a bottle, I worried that someone might comment that I should still be breastfeeding and not formula feeding. When I flew with him to visit my family I worried that his noise would disturb others and cause them to glare at or shush me. When I pack up the crackers and goldfish I wonder if others will think badly of me that I didn't pack fruit and veggies instead. When I hurry out to do my errands, not showered, hair in ponytail and no makeup, I worry about the impression I might give to those I see. When I decided to go back to work for a short time, I wondered if my friends my judge me for leaving Luke when he was still so small.
In fact, sometimes I worried about those things so much, that I created a whole scenario in my mind of what might happen and how I would respond. But, not to my surprise, I never needed my thought-out responses because no one has ever said anything about the choices I have made as a mother.
To be fair, I know that people can be unkind, so this isn't to say that no mother has ever experienced judgement from another. But is it really as prevalent as we claim? Or are we just so worried about what others might think that we are trying to beat them to the punch by writing non-stop about not shaming? Or maybe, and I think even more likely, is it that we tend to be a little oversensitive, especially when it comes to our children and our parenting, and we take offense when there has been none? So what if your friend posts and article about breastfeeding and you formula fed from the start? So what if you are a stay-at-home mom and your neighbor works full-time? Their different choices doesn't mean they are judging you for yours.
Of course we all want to be good moms! Of course we want the approval of others! We can't help but to hope that we do what is best for our children, and it can be painful when we fall short. Maybe we feel guilty because we haven't been able to do everything as a mother that we hoped we could. And maybe that guilt is causing us all to think that someone else is judging us, when really the only person judging you, is you.
So, moms. Be honest. Is there a chance that you are actually being too hard on yourself? Stop worrying so much about the so-called shaming and judging of others, because chances are, no one is shaming you at all. Give others the benefit of the doubt, most people really are kind, and really do mean well. Maybe when they look at you across the park, or restaurant, or airport, they aren't judging you, but admiring you for being a mom and doing the very best you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment