Recommended Reading: Radical Homemakers

It took me a while to finish reading Radical Homemakers. I really enjoyed it, but it was a lot more dense than some of the others I have read recently. It was just packed full of information and gave me a lot to think about.

I will start off by saying that I did not agree with everything the author, Shannon Hayes, wrote, and I feel that she may have been too biased and not factual enough in some parts. This book was a bit more liberal-minded in discussing some issues than I tend to be, especially in it's vilification of big corporations, some ideas about healthcare, and some financial and retirement advice that I did not agree with. However, that being said, it did put into words a lot of what I have been thinking and feeling more and more lately.

I felt that the central idea was that people today seem to be working more and more trying to earn more and more money to pay for the more and more things that they buy, while at the same time families and communities are being damaged because relationships are not given the time and energy they need.

Radical Homemakers begins by addressing some of the issues we currently see in society such as overworking, overspending, disconnected families, and suffering communities. Many feel that if they are not busy, if they do not have a big house, a nice car, and expensive things, then they are not successful. The key, the author suggests, to correct these issues is to leave corporate America behind and focus on hearth and home.

Hayes then goes on to give the reader an in-depth history lesson on homemaking. She explains what the word homemaking really means, what it meant in feudal times, and how it has evolved since the industrial revolution. She talks about men's roles historically as co-homemakers, as well as the "housewife syndrome" that arose especially during the 1950's. She discusses the progression from families that all worked together within a household to grow their own food, make their own clothes, repair their belongings, cook and eat meals together, etc., to society now that buys everything, both spouses work 60 hours or more a week, children are over-scheduled and families rarely eat together.

"Radical" homemaking is more than just being a stay-at-home-mom (or dad), but involves incorporating certain ideas into your lifestyle such as (in the author's own words):

• nobody cares what you drive
• housing does not have to cost more than a single moderate income can afford
• health can be achieved without making monthly payments to an insurance company
• childcare is not a fixed cost
• education can be acquired and not bought, and
• retirement is possible, regardless of income

These "radical" ideas are then explained in greater detail with notes from interviews by the author done with 20 radical homemakers. They describe their decisions to leave behind (or never begin) a corporate career to allow more time with family. They have learned how to live with less money but have developed better relationships and greater skills. They talk about how they have learned to rely more on extended family and community to obtain the support (whether financial, material, emotional or other) they need. Many grow their own food, many only own one car, many homeschool their children.

This book gave me a lot to think about, and I enjoyed it. It made me think about some changes I could make in my own life and career as a homemaker and SAHM, such as reading more, developing new skills, planting a garden, and driving less. I would recommend this book, but with a word of caution to read it with an open mind, and with the understanding that many of the topics discussed as fact are really generalizations.  If you are looking for a lifestyle change, or want to learn more about homemaking, this is an interesting read. 

I Think These "Mommy Wars" Are All in Our Heads

I don't think a week goes by that I don't see some article or blog post talking about the so-called "mommy wars". Mommy bloggers everywhere keep writing, saying things like, "let's all just stop judging each other for our choices as mothers."  I agree with the sentiment, but now that I've been a mom for almost a year (longer if you count pregnancy) I'm starting to wonder if all this "judging" people are talking about even exists.

Recently I read an article, "5 Mom-Shaming Trends That Need to Stop Now" that a friend linked to on Facebook. The author begins her post saying, "I am beyond exhausted listening to all of the mom-shaming going on these days" and then proceeds to talk about the apparent mom-shaming she has seen or experienced when it comes to breastfeeding, organic snacks, Pinterest parties, mom jeans, and working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. On the surface this article seems great. You read it and think, "That's right! All those moms need to stop shaming each other!"

Here's the thing, though. I have never, not even once, been the victim or any kind of "mom-shaming". In fact, I have had nothing but good experiences with other people and my little one. I have breastfed in public, I have formula fed in public, I have flown with the little one on airplanes, taken him to nice restaurants, fed him unhealthy snacks, worn less than flattering outfits in public, made things (and failed making things) from Pinterest ideas, and worked outside of the home after he was born.  I have done all these things that supposedly moms are shaming each other for and no one has even batted an eyelash. 

I also don't have a single friend that has told me of any shaming they have experienced, and almost all of my friends have kids.  Doesn't that seem strange to you?

After thinking this over a bit, I started to reflect that while I have never actually experienced shaming, I have worried about experiencing shaming. When I prepared to go out in public and knew I would have to breastfeed, I wondered if anyone might comment on me feeding him like that in public. Then, when I knew I would have to give him formula in a bottle, I worried that someone might comment that I should still be breastfeeding and not formula feeding. When I flew with him to visit my family I worried that his noise would disturb others and cause them to glare at or shush me. When I pack up the crackers and goldfish I wonder if others will think badly of me that I didn't pack fruit and veggies instead. When I hurry out to do my errands, not showered, hair in ponytail and no makeup, I worry about the impression I might give to those I see. When I decided to go back to work for a short time, I wondered if my friends my judge me for leaving Luke when he was still so small. 

In fact, sometimes I worried about those things so much, that I created a whole scenario in my mind of what might happen and how I would respond. But, not to my surprise, I never needed my thought-out responses because no one has ever said anything about the choices I have made as a mother. 

To be fair, I know that people can be unkind, so this isn't to say that no mother has ever experienced judgement from another. But is it really as prevalent as we claim? Or are we just so worried about what others might think that we are trying to beat them to the punch by writing non-stop about not shaming? Or maybe, and I think even more likely, is it that we tend to be a little oversensitive, especially when it comes to our children and our parenting, and we take offense when there has been none? So what if your friend posts and article about breastfeeding and you formula fed from the start? So what if you are a stay-at-home mom and your neighbor works full-time? Their different choices doesn't mean they are judging you for yours. 

Of course we all want to be good moms! Of course we want the approval of others! We can't help but to hope that we do what is best for our children, and it can be painful when we fall short. Maybe we feel guilty because we haven't been able to do everything as a mother that we hoped we could. And maybe that guilt is causing us all to think that someone else is judging us, when really the only person judging you, is you. 

So, moms. Be honest. Is there a chance that you are actually being too hard on yourself? Stop worrying so much about the so-called shaming and judging of others, because chances are, no one is shaming you at all. Give others the benefit of the doubt, most people really are kind, and really do mean well. Maybe when they look at you across the park, or restaurant, or airport, they aren't judging you, but admiring you for being a mom and doing the very best you can.

Finding Joy

I don't always love being a homemaker.

Sometimes I think about other things that I could have done instead of getting married, having children and staying home. I could have travelled more. I could have worked at my dream job in a big city. I could have continued my education or started my own business. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think about those things. Or sometimes I just think it would be nice to not have worry about anyone but myself. I could get up when I want, not when I hear cries of hunger or boredom. I could wear whatever clothes I want without worrying about getting food spilled on them or trying to run after a toddler in uncomfortable shoes. I could go shopping peacefully and spend all the time I want trying on clothes or browsing the aisle. I could do all of those things if I hadn't chosen to become a homemaker.

But, when I really start to think about all those other things that I could have done, it doesn't actually seem that great. Is sleeping in and wearing fancy clothes really more fun than seeing your little one laugh as they attempt their first steps? Is traveling and working more fulfilling that creating a beautiful, comfortable home where your family can gather and enjoy time together? Maybe for some, but not for me.

I love my job. I love that I get to be here for all the little things that Luke does each day. I love that I get to clean the house and cook dinner so that my husband can come home after a long day and enjoy a good meal with us and relax in a comfortable living room. I love that my job lets me read books, sew up projects, paint furniture, and repair household items. I get to do a little bit of everything.

I know that not all women will choose to be homemakers. Some can't have or don't want children. Some prefer to work outside of the home. Some are making the best of single parenthood and don't get to stay home. But for those that are homemakers, or those who wonder if it's worth it, it is. On those days when you might be tempted to dream about all the other things you could have done, choose instead to find joy in the things you already do.

Weekly Tip: Take Care of Yourself

Have you ever noticed that you seem to get a lot more done during the day when you have taken a shower and gotten dressed than when you stay in your pajamas? Because homemakers stay home, it's easy to think it doesn't matter if you get dressed or do your hair or makeup, but doing those things does have an effect on your attitude and productivity.

I know that its not always easy to squeeze in a shower, let alone put on makeup, when there are little ones around, but if you make it a priority to make a little time for yourself each day you will be better able to care for everyone else that needs you.

Let me be clear though, when I say "do your hair and makeup" I'm not talking major work. Most days, I wear jeans and a t-shirt with a bit of mascara and I straighten or curl my hair or wear it up. On days where I know I will be going out or seeing more people, I might do a little more. Like everything, its important to find a balance. Does staying in your pajamas all day make you a bad mom? Of course not. Is it necessary to start each day in stilettos and a full blow out to be a good homemaker? Of course not. 

Treat your career as a homemaker the same way you would treat any other job. Would you show up to the office in sweats without having showered or brushed your hair?  Probably not (unless maybe your office is at the gym), so why show up to your husband and kids that way?

You would, however, show up at the office dressed in such a way that others know that you take yourself and your job seriously. It is not vain to do so, it simply says that you are a professional and that your job matters to you. Hopefully, your career as a homemaker matters to you too, and by taking the time to care for yourself each day, you show others, especially your family, that you are giving your job, and them, your best self.

Learning to love your job

Being a SAHM and homemaker is not always easy. Little ones can wear you out quickly. Sometimes it seems like you are always washing dishes, or always picking up toys, or always doing laundry. And often, there is not a lot of time for you.

Yesterday, I read an article titled, "Dear Stay-At-Home-Moms, Please Shut Up." It's written by a SAHM who frankly is tired of hearing other SAHMs complain about their job. I personally found the article to be mostly humorous. It is obvious that the author uses satire and is not entirely serious about everything she says. But as I read the comments posted to the article, I was surprised that most didn't feel as I did about it. Women were clearly unhappy with the ridicule and stereotypes described by the author and some protested that they had never met any SAHM that complained about her job.

I don't think this is a matter of who is right or wrong. You could choose to become offended, or you could remind yourself that it is one person's opinion, and take it with a grain of salt. Maybe you truly love staying at home and have never had reason to complain and don't know what the author is talking about. Maybe you hate staying at home, and do complain, and this article makes you feel a little guilty. Hopefully you just found it funny, like I did.

Truthfully though, like the author, I have heard a lot of SAHMs complain about their job. Whether it be in person or online through blogs and social media; Facebook especially can be a never-ending saga of the latest difficult tasks SAHMs have had to endure. We have all had jobs that we don't like, and its easy to get into a habit (yes, it becomes a habit) to complain when we are unhappy.

So the way I see it, if you are a SAHM and you are unhappy with your job, you have three options:

1. Don't change anything and continue to be unhappy.
2. Put your kids in daycare or hire a nanny and get a job that you like.
3. Find ways to love your job as a SAHM.

You may say that none of those choices are easy, and that may be true, but things that are worth doing are rarely very easy. Hopefully you won't choose number one, so I won't even go into that.

If you choose number two that is great. Not every mom wants to stay home, and that is ok. Maybe you have always wanted to work but felt guilty putting your kids in daycare. Personally, I feel that I mother is the best caregiver for her own children, but that being said, it does not mean that you can't find great care outside of the home also. It is a matter of doing some research and choosing whatever suits you best. Working part-time or just one or two days or nights a week is also an option that may allow you to spread your wings but still let you be at home most of the time. I think these decisions take a lot of thought, discussion with your spouse, and prayer. But if you are angry all the time because you feel stuck at home, your kids will notice and it won't be good for them anyway, so maybe a little outside work is best for everyone.

If you choose number three (obviously my favorite choice) then it's time to do some major personal evaluations. It may be hard to find the time to do some thinking, but try to take an hour or two to yourself, grab a pen and paper and write down your thoughts.  Here are some ideas to help:

• First, make a list of all the things you don't like about being a SAHM. Your list might include things like: I don't like cooking or cleaning, no time for myself, I get lonely being home all day, the kids are always fighting, etc. 
• Next, think of a job you have had before that you loved, and write down all the reasons why you loved it. Your list might read: I got to use the skills I learned in school or training, I was my own boss, I loved my coworkers, I liked the benefits, etc.
• Finally, see if you can mesh the things you loved previously with the things you currently don't like.  For example, if you loved being your own boss in a previous job then remind yourself that you are definitely your own boss as a SAHM. You make the rules and just because some of your friends may raise their kids or clean their house one way, doesn't mean you have to do it that way too. If it helps you, run your house like you would run a business (maybe with a bit more love) and use those skills you gained as a boss to help your family. If you loved your coworkers in an old job and now you get lonely being home all day write down some ideas of how you can see friends (or make new ones) more often. Start a play group, a book club, or do something outside of your home like taking a cooking class or working out at the gym. If you miss using the skills you obtained in a previous job, consider how you might use them at home. If you were an accountant, use that knowledge to make an awesome monthly budget and teach your kids how to use money wisely at the grocery store. If you were a dance instructor, see if you can volunteer at your kids' school with the dance team, or start a dance class for your own little ones. There is really no job I can think of that can't be implemented in some way in the home

Ultimately, its about finding a good balance. No one loves their job every single day, that is just human nature. But we can always make our jobs better, starting with the right attitude and a desire to improve ourselves. Finding out what you are good at and focusing on the things you do enjoy about staying at home will make each day a little brighter.